This was tiger country, monkey territory. Lush, wild and only the lonely. As it was early spring the birds were still somewhat subdued, the earlier cold spells had left a mark on their presence and exuberance. Both Tiger and Monkey had been — each in their own way — preparing themselves for their anticipated return. Year after year spring had come, so had the birds. What was to come arrived so fast it didn’t have time to rearrange these presuppositions. It has always been inappropriate to contemplate the renewal of life without the presence of flower beds and birdsong; so the heavens themselves were approached to give the skin of life a massage.

 

Round 1 - FIGHT!

Monkey. Monkey was the one who had left the troop. There was no future there. Only monkeys to play with and to choose from. For Monkey that awareness had caused some  teeth-chattering laughter. The whole troop had taken it badly, they had surrounded and challenged him, there was only one way to go: up in the tree given to him at birth. He knew, he had been sleeping in his tree of life ever since. It had given him food, shelter and the freedom of tree life. And, on good days the forest, from floor to canopy, it was all his. Yes, and yet.

 

Tiger. Tiger had been a tiger all her life, as a cub the entire class of pioneers had unanimously chosen her as the one that should be called: “Tiger the only Tiger who was promised to be a Tiger”. She could catch her tail faster than any other cub; her stripes were more varied than those of any other tiger; her movements were so delightful to watch and so innately gracious that already after a few days playing just a few feet away from her mother she had been chosen as a future queen of the forest. Her paws were chocolate soft and lily white, her little claws were already as sharp as lightning. No doubt she was the only Tiger that was going to move with absolute determination and infallible certainty along the path towards her promised life.

 

And so it happened that time, instead of running after, ran ahead of itself. Clearly there was something in the air that a sleeve couldn’t wipe clean. On a bright and sunny afternoon there was this weather vane directing the traffic. Mock attacks, fancy dress parties and exchanges of good will, they all passed by. It was to be as much a sight as an enjoyment on all fours. All of a sudden, ears stretched, nostrils vibrating, muscles at the ready, there was this roaring tremor, it was like the earth opening up, ready to receive its offspring. Monkey leapt on the back of Tiger. Whirling and twirling, sunning and bathing, rolling and frolicking. Hair and skin were from now on bed and kin; air and breath became the pathway to their intertwined future. No would never be any more a sound cleaving the sky. What’s more, there was this smell penetrating their skin, this foreboding, this magnetism and mutuality:  two bodies one purpose; four legs one direction. It all happened with such an incredible force and speed that it felt as if time was shrinking and shifting shape.

 

Heart-shaped nipple = Winner

 

Monkey and Tiger were given the times of their lives back. The sun had made their dreams come true. The forest had to be explored and prepared for a new experience: how to dare together, how to share the result of this earthquake they had set in motion? How to recognise the new opportunities but also the new dangers? What is to come will never be the same as what has been. Face to face, Monkey and Tiger were ready and all over the place; they were grooming each other for both the short and the long haul. Their day had come.

 

Gradually their eyes were adapting to this new life form. Being together provided even the sun with a new task: just to be there was enough. Whether the night took the sky away or the rain the heat Monkey and Tiger kept the order of the universe going. It was the world of dreams that was giving them food, shelter and life.

Heya you debilitated, diseased, feeble and sickly bunch of handicaps. The regular dude who writes his shit here hasn't been around for a while. Intriguing speculations and conspiracy theories proliferate: he was beamed up by UFOs; he got lost in the Orchard Road Labyrinth; he fell asleep and forgot his alarm clock; he did that thing Jackie Chan did in Rush Hour 2, whatever "that thing" is.

 

Nah. He's too caught up feeling...

 ...elated!!

 

Oh, he's also busy ghostbusting, but technical difficulties have been retarding that little bit of adventure.

 

By the way I'm Alfred Pennyworth, his butler. I'll tell him you send your regards.

 

"Tea, Sir?"

 

*Beep beep!*..... *Beep beep!*..... *Beep be....* Bang! Crash! Kapoot!

 

"Fuckin alarm clock...." Captain Jack "Sparrow" Sparrow mumbled to himself. "Next time, I'm gonna get one that doesn't have an alarm..."

 

Captain Jack "Sparrow" Sparrow  looked at his calendar. So, the dream was real. 22nd August 2154...it's his 30th birthday, and 12th year of being a Commando Elite. Behind him, the communications panel transmitter cackles to life. A holographic body of a man visualizes, wavering briefly. "Good morning Sparrow! I hope you've had a good rest. With the weather going to shits, your arrival last night must've been pretty rough."

 

"I'll manage," Captain Jack "Sparrow" Sparrow growled. He loves his growl. It makes him sound more human than monkey. "You have alot of explaining to do now, Colonel Crow. A man do not enjoy being woken up by...no wait, that was the alarm clock. What gives, Colonel?"

 

"COMMANDO" and "ElitE" are synonymous I dunno what's "CAPCOM"

Colonel Russell "Crow" Crow is the Commander of Intelligence, Unit 316. A child prodigy of startling intelligence, he took over the intelligence office just after his 14th birthday (some even argue during). He is so smart, he once wore a shoe over his head and walked upside down. The upper echlons were mightily impressed by his mental dexterity.

 

"You have work to do. We've received word that the notorious pirate Captain "Raven" Raven has just landed on the Philippines. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to find her camp, infiltrate it, and destroy the central tower. Ok, you don't really have a choice. Haha. Neither do we know why you must destroy the central tower, but that is of no concern to you. This message will self destruct in 5 seconds....... OOOMMMFF!! OW! OUSH! GOD DAGGID MY MOUF! FUGGG oomph..."

 

Colonel Russell "Crow" Crow never failed to impress Captain Jack "Sparrow" Sparrow. This time, he even destroyed his own mouth to keep the message a secret. Some people are just born smart, he thought. Well, time for work. Strapping on his weapons belt, Captain Jack "Sparrow" Sparrow checked his sidearm and custom made rifle - a M203-Carbine-M16A-P90. It's got so many alphabets and numbers that it probably requires someone smart to use it, he realized with a satisfied smile. "I'm gonna add an 'LOL' to the name tomorrow."

 

---

 

6 grenades and 4 lives make you invincible!

The Huey flew silently above the Philippines jungles. As he lighted a cigarette, Captain Jack "Sparrow" Sparrow looked over the side and imagined how it feels like to be ostracised from the community ofa nation due to his ethinicity. Irrelevant, yes, but philosophical nonsense keeps him happy. Besides, he's <insert a race you don't like>.

 

The flight in was pretty dull, 'cept for the time when a bird flew into the rotors and nearly crashed the chopper. The pilot was convinced the bird was actually an enemy missile. "What, just because it has wings and explodes means it's a missile? I once rigged an penguin with some TNT and sent it flying. It still couldn't fly, but it had wings, and it exploded alright. I'm telling you, that was a bird. Not a penguin, perhaps, but a bird alright," chided Captain Jack "Sparrow" Sparrow. Pilots are so stupid, it's no huge wonder they're pilots.

 

"We're 12 kilos away from the camp, Cap'n. This is as far as I'll bring you. You're alone from here on out. Good luck." With a swift leg motion, the pilot kicked Captain Jack "Sparrow" Sparrow out of the Huey.

 

"What the fuuuuuccc......" Doink! "Why the hell did you kick me??"

 

"Because I'm hovering 2 feet above the ground, sir" the pilot explained patiently. "And you were trying to rappel..."

 

"Haven't you heard of the 2-foot rappel?? ....Neither have I, but still you shouldn't've kicked me, you impundent monkey! I am going to make sure you get punished for this! I am going to make your life hell! I am going to rape your pet rabbit! I'm going to..." His words trailed off as the Huey rises, took a right bank, and exploded when another bird flew into it. This time into the pilot window. "That will teach you for not respecting birds." Captain Jack "Sparrow" Sparrow shouldered his weapon and checked his watch. Time to shoot some pirates.

 

---

 

Encounter with the plundering kind

The jungles of Philippines is a dangerous place. Full of venomous snakes, poisonous spiders and foot-long cheeseburgers. Captain Jack "Sparrow" Sparrow must constantly be on the alert - a wrong step may mean instant death or a law suit from McDonald's. He loves his McDonald's, and is not prepared to jeopardize that relationship.

 

Suddenly, unexpectedly, abruptly, and unanticipatedly, two pirates clad in grey appeared from nowhere. Years of training and experience paid off. With lightning reflexes, Captain Jack "Sparrow" Sparrow fired 2 shots; he hit the right pirate between the nostrils with the first. The other ricochet off a tree and landed nicely on the left pirate's buttocks.

 

"Where is your boss! Speak!" Captain Jack "Sparrow" Sparrow growled in his most un-monkeylike voice.

 

"Th-Th-That way..." The dying pirate pointed. "H-H-Help me...p-p-please..."

 

"N-N-No, I shall leave you here so you can b-b-bleed to death. Haha! I am anal like that. Ha! Ha ha! I am such a badass! Get it? Get it?? Badass!!" And with that, Captain Jack "Sparrow" Sparrow left the pirate with a pain in the ass.

 

---

 

Boss!

Following the bleeding pirate's direction, Captain Jack "Sparrow" Sparrow found Yellow Head (Level 1 Boss). Hiding behind a bunker, Yellow Head sent his minions to take down the elite commando.

 

"HAHAHA! YOU WILL NEVER GET OUT OF PHILIPPINES ALIVE!", shrieked Yellow Head with a banana in his mouth.

 

"Oh yeah?" - Bang! - "That's one dead pirate!" - Crack! - "That's another!" - Wam! - "Keep them coming, jackass!"

 

"Men! What are you doing? Keep attacking!" Yellow Head squawked. He shot a blue cannonball, missed terribly, and set a tree on fire. The fire is blue. It also smelled like wanton mee.

 

Captain Jack "Sparrow" Sparrow knew time is running out. His ammo is low, his weapon is overheating, and Starbucks 1 for 1 offer is ending. Loading his grenade launcher with a standard HE, he took a quick aim at the bunker. "Pong!" the grenade exited the launcher, whizzed through the air, and disintegrated the bunker. Nothing was left of Yellow Head, his minions, and the banana. Thus, Captain Jack "Sparrow" Sparrow is through to the next part of the mission suddenly, unexpectedly, abruptly, and unanticipatedly.

 

Time for lunch.

 

---

 

Commandos smoke. Period.

 

Stay tuned for the !

Hello boys and girls, I am Wolverine. You can call me Logan if we are on very affectionate terms. Boys only. As you can see, I am a very powerful superhero, and what I lack in willpower, I make it up with my amazing speed. I once did a wedgie on Colossus without him even knowing it. Cyclops told me he's just dumb. Cyclops is jealous.

 

I need to work on my willpower

I'm so excited! I just started blogging yesterday. Iceman introduced it to me, actually. He has many nice pictures on his blog. Storm told him once that he's a photowhore. Storm was frozen for a day. I like the idea of blogging. The idea of imposing every tiny detail of my everyday life onto the rest of the world gives me a boner. This is important because I am a very important superhero.

 

I have this great personal profile with a nice picture of myself. Every blogger has one, but mine's the best. How do you like my mask? It's cool huh? Makes you think there is fire shooting out of my eyes. Of course that isn't true, silly! If my eyes are on fire, it will be very uncomfortable indeed. Go blind? Don't make me laugh. Can't you see I have "quick healing through cell regeneration"? I'm sorry I couldn't tell you where I was born. It appears that having a superacute sense of smell took away a large part of my memory. All I can remember is the smell of duck droppings.

 

So anyway, me and my friends went to the mall today. We haven't had alot of time to ourselves recently, so this was a nice break from fighting the evil Fag-neto. Nightcrawler was learning to bake, and needed lots of eggs. I'm not going to eat his cake. Nobody wants hair in his cake.

 

These are my friends. I know they look strange and scary, but deep inside they're alright.

 

Good thing I have lightning fast reflexes, the bastard

We got lost while we were on our way. I think we've been hiding in our secret hideout under Compasspoint for too long. Iceman blasted open a path using his mutant ice power. Those white round things nearly took my head off. Damn him. Tomorrow I will pour anti freeze on him. *Teeheehee giggles giggles*

 

The people ()were really rude. They were either knocking into, or shooting at, us. The moment we entered the mall, we were attacked by at least 5 ruffians who hurled oranges at our general direction. They never stop, but the aiming was meagre. I find it suspicious and unsettling that the oranges exploded whenever they hit something, but Nightcrawler tasted one and was sure they were oranges. I think everything tastes like oranges to Nightcrawler.

 

Colossus forgot the shopping list. We never should have trusted him with it - that tin can has absolutely zero memory to speak of. The other time he read some funny shit somewhere, and started jumping around with delight. He got stuck between the wall and the wall-fan. I know this is irrelevant, but I was hoping it'll illustrate his hopeless memory. And the fact that he gets stuck in strange places.

 

So, without the shopping list, we all bought some snacks and headed home. Nightcrawler got his eggs and I rented a DVD "101 Ways A Woman Can Eat Your Heart And Spit It Out". We got lost again, but this time we were smarter. Storm leveled the whole place with a huge thunderstorm so we can see better. Somehow, I think the people have their reasons to be angry with us.

 

Turned out that the DVD was literally about 101 ways a woman can consume your still-beating heart before regurgitating it. I wish I could tell you more about it, but Cyclops was such a sissy. He fainted 3 minutes into the show and Professor X made us stop... Oops, Iceman needs the computer. He recently got to know a girl from ICQ. Her name is <<_+Cut3Ang3l+_>>, and she "has long hair, blue eyes, a knockout figure, and enjoys outdoor sex". We found out last month that <<_+Cut3Ang3l+_>> is a 46 year old woman with long hair on her back, a prosthetic glass eye, fat enough to knock out Colossus, and the only sex she's been getting was at the animal farm. Nobody's telling Iceman yet. They are supposed to meet up this Saturday. Boy, I can't wait.

In the year 2525 (if man is still alive), the planet is overrun by invisible microbes. Small ones, large ones, pink ones, green ones...all but naked to the naked eye. The rampaging viruses have

M for (super)Microbe

forced the remnants of

These have 6 legs and huge biceps

humanity into the seclusion of a final walled, protected city-state - "Breadna", ruled by the Ghostbusters and a congress of slightly overweight Scientologists. The rest of the world, sadly, were turned into mushrooms . Whether this transfiguration has anything to do with the viruses is anyone's guess, but in the year 2525 there are ALOT of mushrooms.

 

These "human leftovers" were spared, mainly because they haven't bathed in a while (author's note: viruses of the 26th century are obsessed with cleanliness), and also because Frodo, mad leader of the Scientologists, invented a vaccine called "Dunhill", which was partially made of chocolates and horse urine. There is only one problem. The vaccine made all the women so damn ugly, the men cannot bring themselves to have sex with them. The last humans are going extinct....a messiah is desperately needed!

 

"This can't go on. I'm so ugly, I'm not getting any!" Æon Flush wailed. Traces of thick blue eye shadow trickles down her pockmarked face. "I have decided. Tonight, I shall infiltrate the Scientologists stronghold and destroy all the vaccine and Frodo himself. 'Better die beautiful than die a virgin', my mom used to say."

 

"Amen to that, and godspeed..." DeTTo, the latest member of the rebel nation X-Women puts her hand on Æon Flush's shoulders. "If you need my help, you know what to do."

 

"No I don't. What?"

 

"Call me."

 

"Oh."

 

DETTO!

That night, Æon Flush jumped over the fence surrounding the Scientologists stronghold and sneaked into Frodo's house. A familiar hand tapped her on the shoulder, making her jump. A box of condoms fell out of her pocket.

 

"DeTTo! Why are you here??" she yelped.

 

"Shh! You called! Of course I'm here!"

 

"I did? Oh...I forgot to keylock my phone again..Ah well, no harm done. I might need your help. I heard they've created a sort of guardian virus the size of dinner plates, and if they find you, they will tell you St Peter jokes until you die. Your sterilizing ability is just what this party needs."

 

"Right, of course." DeTTo eyes the box of condoms suspiciously.

 

"Just in case," Æon Flush smirks.

 

And so, the underground crime busting mysterious women-from-somewhere creep silently and mysteriously through the labyrinth of corridors until they reach Frodo's room, where the vaccines are kept in rows of vials shaped like a penis.

 

"OMGWTFBBQ!!! HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?!!???!!!!!1111oneone1!!!" Frodo, eyes wide and half naked, jumped out of his bed. A soiled rubber doll with the face of Jay Leno lay by his side.

 

"You're a hobbit. Your fence is just 3 feet high. DeTTo! Cream him!"

 

"Wait! Hmm you smell good. Have you taken a bath?"

 

"Yes I did. First time in 26 years too." Æon Flush blushed coyly. "Now I feel like a woman......Oh shit!"

 

And with that, millions of viruses invades Flush's body, attracted by the sweet smell of womanhood. Within a minute, Flush exploded into pieces, just like Professor X in X-Men 3, but with better computer graphics. "But I'm still a virgi....." Her voice trailed off as her mouth turns into fairy dust. The box of condoms lay innocently where Flush stood, a testament to her existence.

 

"Now's your turn! Guards! Send in the St Peters!"

 

Get ready to be Dettolized...

"Not when I have something to say about that!" DeTTo raises her hands with a theatrical gesture and starts to hover in midair. Her eyes rolled back, showing the whites, like that funky thing Storm always does just before her mutant power dance kicks in. A spherical shield of Dettol liquid begins to surround her, forming an impenetratable swirl of brown juice which vaguely resembles <insert something funny here>.

 

"DETTOLIZE!" With a loud silence the shield explodes, drenching everything with a brown liquid which vaguely resembles <insert something funnier here>. Instantly, every virus on the planet vaporized. The penis-shaped vials shattered, ejaculating the vaccines all over the room (use your imagination).

 

"NOOOO!!!!111oneoneone1!!! You have destroyed my life's work! Now instead of ugly women, gorgeous ones will be telling me I'm too short! Bitch!"

 

"Cry me a river, boy. Here, have a Pepsi."