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    February 06

    The Story of the Dinosaur and the Raisin Box

    A recent study made by a group of experts consisting of Mary Kate Olsen's fashion consultant, 4 lab mice, a couple of hobos, and an oversized McNugget has come up with a revolutionary observation about my room:
    IT IS UNTIDY
     
    And so, here is the perfect example of a "Before/After" commercial shoot:
    Before.
     
    After.
     
    $1200 for air that doesn't choke you everytime you attempt to breathe...pretty damn worth it!
     
    And this is the story of the dinosaur and the raisin box.
     
    1:30 AM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it | Reality
    January 14

    My New Toy

    My new Toy.
    I call it Wonder Boy.
    It's color like an alloy.
    I feed it Chips Ahoy.
     
    My new Toy.
     

     
    O2 XDA Atom Exec: $998
    IR Keyboard: $0
    Speaker Stand: $149
    Mini SD Card with Adapter: $35
    Shock absorbing casing: $34
    Bluetooth Dongle: $28
    Able to play Solitaire anywhere: Priceless
     
    There are some things money can't buy...no wait...
    2:59 AM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it | Reality
    September 02

    I = Einstein

    "E=MC²...okay!"
    It's a well known fact that I never impose the details of how I've lived my life as a failed human being onto the rest of the world in the form of a blog. The "blogosphere", "blogoquarium", and "blogozoo" have enough blood thirsty pirates going at each others' throats; too many idiots, too little Internet.
     
    Today will be different. Today I will share with the Internet that I am, in fact, as smart as, if not smarter than, Einstein. See how I insert 4 commas into a seemingly short sentence? That's how smart I am. So you dipshits, open your bloody eyes and read:
     

    Are you in the top 2% of intelligent people? Solve the riddle and find out. There are no tricks, just logic.

    In a street there are 5 houses painted 5 different colours.
    In each house lives a person of a different nationality.
    The 5 homeowners each drinks a different beverage, smokes a different brand of cigarettes and keeps a different pet.
    The question: Who owns the fish?

    Hints:
    1. The Brit lives in a red house
    2. The Swede has a dog
    3. The Dane drinks tea
    4. The Green house is on the left of the White house
    5. The owner of the Green house drinks coffee
    6. The person who smokes Pall Mall has birds
    7. The owner of the Yellow house smokes Dunhill's
    8. The man living in the centre house drinks milk
    9. The Norwegian lives in the first house
    10. The man who smokes Blends lives next to the one who has cats
    11. The man who has horses lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill's
    12. The man who smokes Blue Master drinks beer
    13. The German smokes Prince
    14. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house
    15. The man who smokes Blends has a neighbour who drinks water

    Albert Einstein wrote this riddle in the early 20th century. He said that 98% of the population would not be able to solve it.

    [Source]

    If you're an utterly mindless idiot, which I suspect you are, you will click here for the answer. My answer. Go on, you know you want to.
     
    Sorry, it's here... My god, I impress myself everyday.
    2:57 PM | Add a comment | Permalink | Blog it | Reality
    July 03

    A Very Sad Man on a Very Sad Day (or night...or whatever)

    10:24 pm
    Sad Man went for a drink at Paulaner's (@ Millenium Walk) with 5 other friends. Felt terrible and sad for not winning the dragonboat race. It was so DAMN CLOSE!!! WHY??? ARGHHHHHH.....
     
    Fuck.
    12:00 am
    3 friends left leaving Sad Man with 2 other friends. 3 friends started talking about sad stories (as usual) and one angry story (FUCK!) Sad Man wondered if he was sad enough to be able to cry.
     
    No. Just pissed.
    2:23 am
    2 friends wanted to leave. Sad Man made the mistake of saying he's going to quit smoking. Decided to spend the night at Dhoby Gaut Station to take the first train home. Save money. He's a cheapskate.
    2:31 am
    Sweet new flava
    Sad Man went to Marina Square 7-11 to buy a pack of fags (ok, quit after this pack), a cup noodle, and a Snickers bar. Sat outside 7-11 and finished up his cup noodle. Melancholic. Lighted a fag.
     
    *Sidenote: Dunhill Luxe is really orangey flavor. Description behind the box: "A smooth taste finishes with  luxurious tones of warm spice, tangerine and the slightest hint of mint. Blended with a twist of refreshment." Very yummy.
    2:52 am
    Started to walk slowly to Dhoby Gaut Station. Lighted a fag. There were no cars on the roads. Sad Man felt good to  be able to walk in the middle of the main roads in the city area. Cheap thrill. Well, not like he's not done this before. Just recently, too...
    3:14 am
    Reached Dhoby Gaut. Lighted a fag. Fell asleep at the bus stop outside the station - hugging his paddle, with his bag as pillow.
     
    Sad case.
    4:48 am
    Started pouring torrents of rain all of a sudden!!! Woke up half drenched and dazed. Thunder and lightning. It wasn't raining. It was God pissing down at him.
     
    "nah beh....."
    4:50 am
    Got his stuff and sat under the station shelter. Wet, cold and shivering. Lighted a fag. Realised he'd lost his bottle. Oh no! Wondered if he was sad enough to be able to cry now.
     
    No.
    5:08 am
    Decided to go back to look for his bottle. Maybe at Paulaner's or 7-11 or toilet near 7-11. Rain started to die down to a drizzle. Wind was howling. Checked the bus stop info board. 36 goes to Suntec opposite Paulaner's. Board said it'll reach at 5:40. Fuck it, might as well walk.
    5:11 am
    Started walking back in the rain. Cold like fuck. Lighted a fag. Wondered if he was sad enough to be able to cry now.
     
    No.
    5:38 am
    Reached Paulaner's. Fuck - Bus 36 just went pass. Fuck x2 - No bottle there.
    5:40 am -
    6:01 am
    Reached 7-11. Asked the indian 7-11 guy if he'd seen a black bottle.
     
    Sad Man: 'Scuse me, sorry did you see a black water bottle..?
    7-11 Guy: Oh ya got ar! Like mineral bottle right? Oh sorry ar, I thought customer leave here nobody want, so I throw away ar. Sorry ar.
    Sad Man: (Confused. "Mineral bottle"?) Oh erm...where did you throw?
    7-11 Guy: Throw in the black plastic bag into the rubbish dump ar. Sorry ar.
    Sad Man: It's ok. You sure it's a black bottle like this? (makes hand gestures describing the shape) Round round one? Where's the rubbish dump? I go find myself.
    7-11 Guy: (makes hand gestures to give lousy directions) You go out ar, turn right, then turn right ar. Go straight can see already ar.
    Sad Man: Ok ok thanks ("nah beh...need to dig rubbish dump")
     
    Sad Man followed the directions and found a garbage dump. Not just any garbage dump, but an industrial size one! Dug through one trash bag. The smell was unbearable. It's smelt like when the garbage truck drove through his home, only now that instead of standing at the side covering his nose, he's standing right inside the hole. Then it hit him: strangely, none of the bags were black. They were all white.
     
    "Fuck la...he confirm this one or not..."
     
    Just then, a man walked out from inside the dump, surprised to see someone sieving through the rubbish. Dig this: A man, 6 o'clock in the morning, walked out from inside a rubbish dump in which Sad Man was digging.
     
    Sad Man: (sheepish grin) 'Scuse me...erm...do you know if 7-11 throw their rubbish here? (completely stupid question, but he was desperate, tired, and not thinking straight)
    Rubbish Man: Oh not here la. Behind. Behind got another rubbish dump la.
    Sad Man: (taken aback that such a dumb question actually has an answer) Oh! Where ar? Which direction?
    Rubbish Man: You see that stairs? Go up, walk along the road, turn right walk straight you can see liao. (prove that chinese can give much better directions)
    Sad Man: Wah, ok ok thanks alot!
    Rubbish Man: Why? Lost something inside ar?
    Sad Man: Yah la...sian.
    Rubbish Man: Haha good luck la.
     
    Lighted a fag and followed his directions with renewed vigor. Fate hadn't been all that bad to him. It sent him a garbageman from nowhere with an answer to a strange question. Sad Man told himself he must have faith. If he manages to find his bottle, it would mean something good is finally going to happen in his life. Haha so silly.
     
    Found the next identical rubbish dump. All black trash bags. Opened one bag. All rotting burgers, mayonnaise and other crap from MacDonalds. Second bag...third bag...seventh bag, ALL ROTTEN SHIT FROM MACDONALDS!! He poured out everything but found NO BOTTLE!! Only rotting, slimy, gluey, grummy, stinking rubbish! SEVEN BAGS! Nah beh.....!! Sad Man walked back to 7-11 with his hands smelling like <insert explicit adjective>.
     
    Sad Man: 'Scuse me, are you sure you throw away a black water bottle like this (makes more hand gestures to describe the shape of the bottle)
    7-11 Guy: Ya ar, black water bottle. Like mineral waterbottle ar. I throw away already ar.
    Sad Man: You sure it's round like that? (makes more hand gestures) You threw it away yourself? Confirm?
    7-11 Guy: Ya ar, I throw away already. Dunno whose ar. I asked the people outside just now but they say dunno whose ar.
    Sad Man: (stood there half-dazed)
    7-11 Guy: Oh wait ar. I help you check again. (walks to the rubbish bin inside the shop and digs around) Oh here ar! Aiyah I haven't throw away ar! Sorry ar!
    Sad Man: (half delighted half royally pissed) Ok ok! Thanks thanks! (thanks for nothing, you fucking moron! No wonder you work in a 7-11, asswipe! Why don't you just slit your own throat, fucker!)
    7-11 Guy: Why so important ar? Girlfriend's ar?
    Sad Man: No la. Just important to me. (if it's his girlfriend's, he'd still be at the dump, knee deep in rubbish) Can I borrow your tap? Thanks...
    6:02 am
    Sad Man started walking back to Dhoby Gaut with his hands smelling like <insert slightly less explicit adjective> and feeling really down. Blisters on his feet, abrasions everywhere, wet clothes..."nah beh.." Lighted a fag and decided that he must write an article to remember this very sad day (or night...or whatever). He missed a turn, and had to walk through NAFA instead. Middle Road. Reminiscenced about old times. Wondered if he is sad enough to be able to cry now.
     
    Maybe.
    6:27 am
    Reached Dhoby Gaut Station. Waited for the train with whole body smelling like trash. Boarded the train at 6:34 am
    6:56 am
    Sad Man's second sis boarded the train at Kovan Station on her way to work. Haha! What a surprise! Sad Man told his sister about his sad day (or night...or whatever). Sister laughed.
     
    "Very funny meh?"
    7:01 am
    Exited Buangkok Station. Ahh the smell of fresh morning air. Fresh morning air always reminds Sad Man of his time in the army, in the middle of some unknown jungle. He felt slight better now, but his hands were still smelling like <more explicit adjectives). Lighted a fag to rid the smell.
    8:22 - 9:16 am
    Reached home, taken his bath, and ate something. Started writing his silly article while lighting a fag. 8 trash bags and 9 cigarettes later, the fucking day (or night...or whatever) ended.
    9:17 am
    Hit the sack with his fingers smelling like normal cigarette fumes again.
     
    "wadever....lame chop...."
     
    The Culprit
    How the fuck does this look like a mineral waterbottle, I don't know
    9:15 AM | Add a comment | Read comments (1) | Permalink | Blog it | Reality
    June 14

    Why I Rule (and You Don't)

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    OMGWTFBBQ!!!11
     

    For the 13th straight time in my life
    Oh pfft, just let me boast about it!

    9:21 PM | Add a comment | Read comments (1) | Permalink | Blog it | Reality