Hello Internet folks, how are you again. Oh no, your terrapin escaped? Please post a blog so you may tell the whole world about it. For the rest of you non-terrapin-lovers, have you purchased your iPhone? No? Please close this page right now, and proceed to bid for a life worth living on eBay. Ah, so you did, you sly fox. Please read on then, dear fellow iPhone friends.

 

Keep your terrapin somewhere safe. Like your hand.

Hello friends, how are you...again. Let me congratulate you on your recent purchase. I'm sure you must be really happy with yourself. Give yourself a pat on your back! You have done well, very well indeed. Right now, you should be in the center of all that attention you deserve. Also, I'm fairly certain you must be getting tired of all the comments from stupid people regarding your purchase. Why do I call these people stupid, you inquire? Why, because they are, my fair lady. They have displayed an utter lack of a normal cognitive brain, one capable of forming thoughts that do not involve nudity, dogs, and naked dogs. Here is a list of things stupid people like to say:

 

And if you're living in Singapore (God have mercy) or any other country other than the United States:

"But why do you think they're stupid, kind sir?"

 

Because, my dear friend, all these people have one thing in common: they do not own an iPhone.

 

"Oh snap!"

 

Yes, the truth is awfully clear. Let me raise a few points in an attempt to make it even clearer:

"So why did you get an iPhone, kind sir?"

 

Well, first lets talk about what I did not get the iPhone for. I did not get an iPhone so I can save the world, find a cure for AIDS, or invade China, so all the "iPhone sucks because it does not have <insert random PPC feature>" comments are moot. Also, I already own an Atom Life. It is a HSDPA phone, 624 mhz (fastest in its class), runs WM6, superb email functionality etc, and is all-in-all a delightful piece of equipment. What this means is I certainly did not get the iPhone for its "phone functions", so all those comments are moot too.

 

So why did I get it? Because it is beautiful. Yes, there is no better way to say it but that. Believe me, there is absolutely no way to appreciate that fact other than to own the phone yourself, so I'm not even going to try to write a review to convince the stupids. I took it out for one day, and I have people's heads all over me. Call me an attention whore, but hey, we're all attention whores to a degree so lets not get too hypocritical about it.

 

User experience is 11.5cm long and 61mm wide

I got it because it's a great gadget. Again, there's no way to understand this other than holding and using it for yourself. You can read all the reviews you want, or play around with a friend's or at the Apple store, but believe me nothing beats owning one for real. To actually use it at the comfort of your home, or wherever you may be, loaded with your own photos and music and internet shortcuts etc, is euphoria. The whole experience is state-of-the-art, and you simply cannot describe experience on a tech spec sheet.

 

So my friends, if you find yourself surrounded by the stupids, here's what you do: DO NOT WASTE A MINUTE TRYING TO CONVINCE THEM! They're mostly just being the illustrative/archetypal sourgrapes that they are, and there's no way you can logically convince these people (as I've illustrated, they do not possess the capacity for logical thinking). These people love nothing more than to put others down so as to hide the hurt that is happening to their egos. What you can do is perhaps to show them this article, so they may hopefully see their folly and cry themselves to sleep at night.

 

For the rest of the non-stupids who haven't decided but require more convincing, here's a superb and detailed review of the iPhone, including the good and the bad. But remember: you cannot write a review on real user experience. Many people have requested me to post photos. I promise I'll do that - once I stop masturbating to the touch of my new phone.

 

 

Bots search for friends on the internets. They actively seek out like-minded "bohemistic" individuals in places like Friendster, Facebook and Blogspot, and their popularity (read "level of social acceptance") and/or self esteem are determined by the number of other Bots in their "Friends List", and the number of comments they've received.

 

Bots keep blogs where they really love posting pictures of themselves doing all sorts of silly things (like going to girlie parties or making group monkey faces) everyday. In a Bot's world, it is cool to be a monkey. Like, monkey Bots...or whatever.

 

Bots believe people who're nice to them are really nice people. Even on the internets. People who leave nice comments on their "shout boxes" or comment positively on their blogs are nice, whereas people who're mean, call them ugly, or simply point out the massiveness of their noses are not so nice.

 

Bots enjoy posting comments on how big other people's noses are. They are natural gossips.

 

Bots will use silly words not just in speech, but also in writing. Words like lah, leh, lor, liao, kao, sia, meh, hor, sian etc are perceived to contain embedded cryptic meanings.

 

Bots feel desperate, unwanted, awkward and distressed if their friends are "mean" to them.

 

Bots are incapable of stringing words together to form proper sentences. Phrases like "siao bo i wuv hellokitty kekeke" make perfect linguistic sense.

 

Bots relish in mediocrity. They think silly, unimportant things define their little lives.

 

In small congregations, Bots enjoy nothing more than a discourse about the latest in fashion, clubbing scenes, chilling out spots, fancy eateries, gender superiority, and Japanese automobiles. Topics of Byzantine proportions - such as how to hook up with chicks in a club, ways to make a Suzuki generate more noise (or other issues concerning ricer mobiles), how much alcohol can a Bot imbibe before turning into the philistine he/she is, or how to best dress like a clown - are commonplace amongst such assemblage of serfs.

 

Bots think NEWater is the nectar of gods. It gives a quite literal meaning to "shit for brains".

 

Bots know nothing outside the world of "going for a drive", "go where chill", "go where watch movie", and "go where to chiong har?"

 

Bots think it's "cool" and "in" to read off the entire alcohol menu of a typical club off the top of their heads.

 

Bots are concerned if they can find themselves a decent 9-5 job with their education - if that is even a genuine concern. Nevertheless, when they finally get their "decent jobs", they waste their time griping and ranting about their worthless jobs, and thinking about nothing other than weekends when they can partake in even more worthless activities. Talk about a belated reality check that, on hindsight, wasn't even hindsight at all (ha ha ha I'm so funny...)

 

Bots harp on the heightening rupture between education and learning (replace with any other social issue), but do not grasp the true reality of it. (If you read this sentence and know not of what it means, face it, you're a Bot). They just think it's cool to harp on it.

 

 

 

Beware not to accidentally trip on or bump into a Bot on a crowded train, or the Bot will "tsk" you to death. It's the Death Tsk, and we're all extremely vulnerable to it - or at least the Bot thinks so.

 

Bots do not know that, at 174% of disposable income, they are the most indebted people in the world. Even if they know, they will still spend above their capacity because it's the only thing that makes them feel good about themselves.

 

Bots do not know - or worse, they do not care even when they know - that they do not have the right to assembly, the freedom of expression, a pluralistic press, minimum wage and other labor protection, basic social security and welfare, etc etc etc etc etc etc etc.

 

Bots are better off dead if they're middle aged, jobless, and sick. Seriously.

 

Bots are responsible for the number 66.6.

 

Manipulability, predictability and being bromidic are clearly the forte of Bots. Bots make the perfect social tools.

 

Bots are obviously too poor to afford a neural upgrade, much less a transplant.

 

Bots relish in mediocrity....x2

 

Bots think the grandest things in life are limited to buying a Japanese automobile, owning a flat, and an annual trip to Disneyland. You may replace "Disneyland" with Bali, Tioman, Bangkok, or any other place which is considered "hip" and "lifestylish", from college dorms discussions to office cubicles gossips. This may seem senseless to you (especially if you're a Bot), but the irony is actually in "college dorms to office cubicles".

 

Bots are a far cry from being philosophical and/or intellectual (read "not just academic excellence").

 

Seriously, Bots relish in mediocrity.

 

Bots are sharply offended when people do not respect them, but deep in their private hearts, Bots do not much respect themselves. (Thank you, Mark Twain)

 

Bots have low self esteem. They deserve it.

 

Bots are ungracious, uncouth, awkward, bad-mannered, barbaric, bearish, bucolic, boorish, brusque, cantankerous, cheap, churlish, cloddish, clownish, clumsy, coarse, countrified, crass, crude, crusty, curt, discourteous, disgracious, gawky, graceless, gross, gruff, heavy-handed, ill-bred, ill-mannered, impertinent, impetuous, <gasp!> impolite, inelegant, loud, loud-mouthed, loutish, lowbred, lubberly, oafish, ornery, provincial, raunchy, raw, rough, rude, rustic, snippy, strange, swainish, tasteless, ugly, uncivil, uncivilized, uncultivated, uncultured, uneducated, ungainly, ungenteel, ungentlemanly, unpoised, unpolished, unrefined, unseemly, and vulgar. Especially in public places. You get the idea.

 

Bots hold pink ICs. To add salt to injury, they're proud of it.

 

Bots smell like poo.

 

There are too many Bots. They are not dying fast enough. Utopia is likened to a terror attack on Suntec during the IT Show.

 

Are you a Bot?

 

 

 

"Oh lord, let me not be stuck here for the rest of my life." 

A hundred thousand million billion trillion years ago (or so), Earth was born. A hundred million years ago, dinosaurs were born. A hundred thousand years ago, Man was born. Twenty six years ago, I was born. Eight days ago, humanity died.

 

Pretty profound word

To the uninitiated and unintelligent, the above may seem like a simple timeline of irrelevant events, or nothing more than an attempt to flaunt my knowledge of the words "billion" and "trillion"...and "dinosaurs". No. Rather, I was trying to accrue to the nexus that humanity is fragile; as fragile as cigarette smoke, literally. If you hadn't noticed, I just did an irony here. I am that good.

 

I presume everyone and their pet goldfish heard of the recent atrocity committed against smokers. Since when is it acceptable that free willing people allow themselves to be stripped of their freedom; like sheep stripped of their wool, forests stripped of their trees, and hookers stripped of their clothes? I have just about enough of self righteous fools deciding what is best for me, and I have it up to here with those self-annointing non-smoking motherfuckers who think the whole world revolves around them. What, I can't smoke around you because you're a friggin' health nazi? Take a hike, asswipe! Why don't YOU move away?

 

Lets direct our attention to TWO points. First, there is absolutely NO official medical evidence pointing to the fact that smoking causes cancer [1, 2, 3]. Zilch. Nada. Zero. NO. Do some homework. Contrary to what you half-wits have read on so-called "official" medical reports and whitepapers etc, all of them were unable to provide distinct differences between the smoking and control groups. In fact, these "studies" were based primarily on smokers, thus comparative evidence is almost non-existent! They were also unable to repeat the same study on a separate demography of people, hence reliability is a big fat ZERO. The "evidences" were totally inadequate to prove that smokers suffer from cancer because they smoke. It's like saying non-smokers suffer from cancer because they breathe and have sex. If we were to talk about logic, the Japanese, one of the heaviest smoking people in the world, also enjoy the highest longevity. Shouldn't we, then, take up smoking to prolong our lives?

 

Quit being an ignorant fool. Quit behaving like a pathetic cow being herded mindlessly to the slaughterhouse. Get the fuck off your high horse, grow a brain, and realise they're all propaganda lies. It's the incessant repeating of such lies which convinces people that smoking actually causes cancer. Paul Joseph Goebbles once said, "If repeated often enough, a lie will become a new truth." Paul was the Minister of Propaganda, of Nazi Germany.

 

Even if we're "killing" ourselves, we're still a helluva lot cooler than you

Second: for the sake of argument, let us assume that smoking is the main cause of cancer. Hell, lets even assume that it's the ONLY cause for every single form of cancer: lung, throat, cervical, prostate, eyebrows, toenails. Well look here, fucktard. If I wanna smoke myself to death, guess what? It's my fucking business. Who the fuck are you? My mom? My wife? Jesus Christ? I don't need you to come along and stick your opinons up my ass. Who are you to tell me what I can or cannot do? Am I dumb like you? Am I the mindless sheep like you? Am I Osama bin Laden like you? Wake up.

 

Here's a quote from the Channel NewsAsia article that really broke the camel's back: "I think it's good. I think smokers should always go to one corner and not invade my air space," said another [coffeeshop customer]. What the fuck?? Smokers should go to a one corner? Not invade YOUR air space? Why don't you go to a corner and hide your ugly face? Even better, why don't you just end your miserable life, you pimple-faced monkey? And what was that? Your air space? Last I checked, air was free for all, dipshit. Why don't you stop invading humanity with your inferior genes, and let us superior men work our magic? Fuck, I swear I hate Singaporeans. This is the kind of fucked up, self-righteous Singaporean attitude that's giving us a bad name. Four days ago was the 25th Independence Day of my life, and I'm still stuck in bloody Singapore!! Cannot take it!

 

Sign a postcard for human rights...what?

Have you ever come across one of those Stinkaporeans who'll give you a dirty look and fan the air in front of his/her bloody nose (like that's gonna work, moron) just cus you're smoking around him/her? Fuck, where are these people from? Jackass Island? The way I see it, if someone's smoking around me and I get offended, I can either approach the person and ask him nicely to blow the smoke somewhere else, or I CAN JUST WALK AWAY. God dammit, legs were invented for a reason. Why do these people need to get all anal about it?

 

Just a sidenote. Don't blame others if you're too much of a pussy to:

Many Singaporeans think just because they have "human rights", they can rob the rights of others. You think only your "human rights" are important and appropriate, and everyone else's should be subjugated by your self-importance? What a bloody hypocrite! Get off your high horse already. What happened to the "gracious" society we're supposed to be building? Gracious Singaporean... HAHAHAHAHAHA now that's a good one. Sorry, never heard of one.

 

I think it's about time the government wake the hell up and educate blah blah blah blah...wait, hey look! Here's a pencil, it's something that cares more than I do. I just want to graduate AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF STINKAPORE!!!

 

 

Me > Batman + Superman. I am so cool:

I spent 3 goddamn hours looking for this fucking pic. You guys better appreciate it

Since when is it socially acceptable in this country for men to go from being a rugged badass wearing polo-t's and jeans to bright orange kiddy T's with silly monkey pictures from Far East Plaza? What's with our women today, who actually like boys with hair that do not just resemble weeds in form, they have the same color as well? And since when did the word "Metrosexual" enter the lexicon of politically correct words, along with the likes of "Sensitive", "New age", "SNAG", and "Cute"? If you call me cute, I will trace your IP and nuke you. To show you I mean it, I have 10 copies of "Command & Conquer". There are nukes in the game.

 

This is what "men" look like today. It's enough to make baby Jesus weep.

I am so sick of dipshits telling me to spice up my wardrobe. What the fuck is wrong with it being 90% coming from Nike? At least I need not gripe about which color shirt goes best with which color pants on a daily basis. Like my sisters. It's not that I'm not concerned with how I look. It's just that I don't menstruate. If you enjoy doing the things metrosexuals and Overfed Donkeys And Chickens do, the next time you find yourself on a rooftop, do us all a favor and trip. It will raise the average IQ of the planet.

 

Is it a crime to be a homophobe? I hate gays and I'm never slow to admit it. Everyone these days is so hard up on being "sensitive" and "open to differences". If you ever label these morons "narrow minded", they'll hand you a loaded revolver and beg you to shoot them. I say do it. There's a clear, distinct, and very red line between "open to differences" and "morally sane". Putting a penis into another man's butthole isn't morally right, and it sure as hell doesn't sound sane. Sure I'm homophobic, but not as heterophobic as these asswipes.

 

Amen

AIDS - God's answer to homos.

 

Is it ok to not have a sense of style? Is it ok to never wear perfume? Is it ok to spend less than a minute on my hair? Is it ok to scratch myself in my sleep? Is it ok to not accessorize? Men were never meant to accessorize, unless by "accessorize" you mean hanging the ears and bones of victims you killed around your neck (perv...). Yet now they're selling accessories for men, and guess what? It's exactly the same shit they're selling to women! Would you like me to tie a leather strap around my dick now? For fuck's sake, you're turning us into a nation of pussies.

 

The next person to tell me I'm thinking like an old man will feel my wrath in the form of a thousand S.H.E albums and the pain of listening to them. I don't remember feeling otherwise when I was 18. Those were the good times when sissies were outcasts in school, at the blunt of our cruel jokes and the ends of our knuckles. Seems like they've all grown up into metrosexuals and shit, and now it's time for their revenge. I swear, it's a torment to see women flocking to pussies like them. If karma isn't real, I don't know what is.

 

If you're weak, you're weak! Your half-witted excuses for wanting to be beautiful do not justify it otherwise, you debilitated dipshit.

 

This is my hedgehog's penis: